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@Marcmywords2

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

@Prof_Hinkley

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

@KingRainhead

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

@bobvulfov

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

@vineyille

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

@Ty_Schutz

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

@TheRobCee

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

@bizzymcgee

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.