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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.


Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier


me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard


4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”


WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father


“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.


It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.


Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.


Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.