@batsVsupes
@Marcmywords2 The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
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@Marcmywords2 
@Prof_Hinkley Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
@KingRainhead me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
@sonictyrant Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
@bobvulfov WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
@vineyille “I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
@Ty_Schutz It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
@TheRobCee Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
@bizzymcgee Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.