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Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: