27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.