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What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Ghost costume 😂
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.