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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”