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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Name another movie that mislead you?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now