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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Cats are still liquid.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.