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coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules