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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend