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It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.