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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I’m not proud
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.