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I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.