@CaptWordbeard
@SmithWit May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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@SmithWit 
@BigJDubz [Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
@SortaBad Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
@TheTweetOfGod If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
@ColoradoUgly Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
@ojedge *turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
@theshantilly Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
@BillPelicanBros *job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
@WheelTod [Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
@jwoodham Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.