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May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”


Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?


If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.


Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.


*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”


Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.


*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form


[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend


Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.