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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”