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@Marlebean

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

@envydatropic

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

@NurseMurderer

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

@prufrockluvsong

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

@sliver_of

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

@notfaizzy

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

@3sunzzz

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

@audipenny

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

@CorkyCrashed

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.