You Might Also Like
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
🤣🤣🤣
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news