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if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.