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@TravLeBlanc

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

@Ideal_Victoria

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

@Lisabug74

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

@Anna_Snackz

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@katiefzack

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

@UnFitz

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.