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Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.


Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.


UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?


Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.


Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”


Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.


Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*


A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.


6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?


I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.