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I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.


You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.


On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes


[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”


recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam


The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.


People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.


Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist


I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.