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@TEXASVETERAN

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

@SarcasticSadOne

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

@Not_From_Troy

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

@Brianhopecomedy

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

@Thing_Finder

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

@noog

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

@sixfootcandy

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.