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I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
my favorite genre of twitter
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.