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Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler


He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’


What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?


I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.


applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist


My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*


If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.


13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline


I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.


I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?