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@mommajessiec

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

@alldrolledup

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

@nerdcula

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

@TheAlexNevil

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

@shutupmikeginn

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

@TEXASVETERAN

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

@YSylon

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

@

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?