2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan