2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care