2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
You Might Also Like
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.