Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.