2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”