Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF