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Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.