[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
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Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Herpes is trending, good job people
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
got so much cardio in today
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.