3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.