3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Guantanamo Bae