3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*