@dshack8

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

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@GirltoMom

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

@SortaBad

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

@patnspankme

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

@onion_an

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

@aveuaskew

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

@UnFitz

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

@luvleelyd

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

@XplodingUnicorn

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.