@dshack8

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

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@JohnLyonTweets

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

@LostFelicia

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

@pharmasean

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

@lost__at_sea

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

@felixoshea

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.