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Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Monday
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.