3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
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Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.