3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.