@kidversations_

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

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@SirEviscerate

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

@Bob_Heller

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

@Unknown10837

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@AnkCoupleTO

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

@girl_a_whirl

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

@oldfriend99

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die