3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Breaking news:
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I’m confused about plants
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives