3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
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“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
He-man has a Masters degree
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
This makes total sense…
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs