3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial