3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
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My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Flowers bee like
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids