3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Why is everyone getting married at me
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.