[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME