if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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Look at phone to see what the time is.
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Still no clue what the time is.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!