3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?