“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
You Might Also Like
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.