3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range