3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
i hope my email finds you on fire
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Breaking news:
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.