3% human
97% stress
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My Sentiments Exactly
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am