3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?