@Rainbowbunee Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
@reallifemommy3 3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
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@Rainbowbunee 
@iamkits As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
@metickleu Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
@HeatherLuvsYou A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
@MatCro [Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
@Bizarro_Mark 5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
@OrdinaryAlso me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
@rickkondell Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
@SarahKSilverman From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in