@reallifemommy3

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

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@Rainbowbunee

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

@iamkits

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

@metickleu

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

@HeatherLuvsYou

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

@MatCro

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

@Bizarro_Mark

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

@OrdinaryAlso

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

@rickkondell

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in