3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.


As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God


Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.


A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.


[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.


5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!


me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection


Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.


From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”


This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in