3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
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If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.