3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
You Might Also Like
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this