3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?