3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
You Might Also Like
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.