3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing