3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
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The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Two types of dogs.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Officer: have you been drinking?
Officer: You can’t just keep..
“shh its working”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*aggressively waits in line*
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Um … Hot Wings please
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT