3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
You Might Also Like
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
cat vs inanimate object
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁