3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.