3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
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When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.